comfort and support

Considering all of things people close to me have had to endure recently, the question occurred to me, How can we give some sort of spiritual comfort and support to those of us who've had to deal with some very difficult situations? I know that I myself often fight to find the right words to say, but as my friend Brian once told me, "Sometimes words just seem empty in the face of deeply painful and ultimately personal experiences."

All too often, it's hard, if not impossible, to do very much in the way of helping to shoulder the inevitable burdens in life besides giving a few words of support or advice, even though the intention to do whatever is needed is always there. We might wish that we could do something more for everyone in their times of need — something tangible and meaningful – unfortunately, due to a combination of human limitations and physical distance, all we can sometimes offer to those that are suffering are seemingly empty words.

This can make us feel just as powerless as those who're in need of our help. As Buddhists, or at least people who take the Buddha's teachings seriously, we're taught to cultivate compassion for all living beings, to desire to ease their suffering. However, we must also remind ourselves that we can't always succeed in that task. In times like these, we must learn to practice equanimity—the even-mindedness that remains neutral in the face of experiences that we simply can't change.

When it comes to those who're going through some difficult times, this means we must realize that sometimes we're powerless to help them. During the most difficult of times, those who find themselves physically and emotionally isolated must discover the courage and wisdom to face their suffering on their own—not because we don't wish to help them, but because there is simply nothing we can do. All we can offer, much like the Buddha, is guidance. Whether or not we realize it, when we experience pain or unhappiness, we personalize those experiences and attach to them even more so than our feelings of pleasure and happiness. This is due to the very nature of our ego, which clings to suffering in order to relieve it—albeit without the proper insight as to how.

In our misunderstanding of conditionality, we often seek to relieve our suffering temporarily by removing the symptoms, but never the underlying causes. In essence, when we suffer, we become bewildered as to why this is happening and then we look for a way out, except we look in all the wrong places because we are confused about what suffering is, as well as the nature of true happiness. That's why the Buddha formulated the four noble truths in the same way that ancient Indian physicians formulated medical diagnoses — i.e., disease, its cause, prognosis and treatment — so that we are able to comprehend suffering, abandon its cause, realize its cessation and develop the path to that cessation.

As much as we may wish to help those suffering through difficult times, sometimes the best we can do is share with them the tools that they'll need in order to achieve this task of comprehending, abandoning, realizing and developing on their own—with our love and support, of course. Therefore, while our words might appear to be empty to those who're struggling to overcome difficult situations and challenges in their lives, the intentions underlying those words aren't empty at all. In fact, they're full of loving-kindness, compassion, sympathy and hope.